chuga-chuga-choo-choo

keep on, keepin' on.....
just move right along, don't stop to take pictures, hopefully it won't last too long.
anyone or thing else want to throw a wrench my way!! go the frick ahead... i don't care, just let me get through tomorrow. after that i will be okay.
it's never easy, it will never be. but things have to be done and i can't let these wrenches stop my wheels from rollin'.

**it's a choo-choo shoe, Charlie! a choo-choo shoe!**

i was asked to write it down...

it's like "a christmas carol"
i received a call phone call from the surgery center informing me, "you will be called, by three nurses". "without their calls you will not be seen for surgery". "expect the first today when the bell tolls one". "expect the second within the next hour". "the third, upon the next day when the last stroke of three has ceased to vibrate". (cause my phone rings and vibrates)
i did receive a call from a nurse, we will call her the spirit of preregistration, who took most of my information on insurance and such.
Then, just as promise i received a call from a nurse, the spirit of pre-op, to find out my allergies and other pertinent info.
alas, i await the final call, the worst of them yet, the one who holds the future, to inform me of my surgery time.
maybe it won't be to late.......to get a ride, if i can get a friggin' surgery time already!
i'll find out at 3.

"poo-poo"

nonaz new word...and she used it in context.
this girl will pee in every kind of potty known to man, no matter what! there isn't a potty too large or colorful she won't pee in.
but #2 that's a whole different ball game. so far her favorite place is the floor...well, there was that one time on the stick horse. don't get me wrong she HAS pooped in her potty a couple of times, just presently not her choice location.
so we were in the basement and she comes up to me and says, "mommy, mumble mumble multi-syllable utterances mumble mumble poo-poo!" and points to the round ball of crap on the floor.
then she says," eeeeeewwwwwww"! and runs up the stairs. few minutes later returns with a wet wipe to clean it up!
so nice of her.

so many errands, so little motivation

i have been trying to pull things together to prepare myself for this surgery. ugh.
i tend to just let things happen sometimes and deal. but this time i can't seem to get my mind straight. sorta freakin' me out. i can't get it together.
i make list and even complete them, so i make more lists and i still feel there is more to do, something is missing. i'm just not...settled...i don't get it.
there are the risks that i keep going over in my head. brain damage, blindness, double vision a possible nose reconstruction. a friend joked about how i should bring in a picture of the nose i want in case the surgeon has to "fix" my nose.
i wasn't this worried about my ear surgeries. maybe i'm just more worried that toenail isn't here and i have to rely on several people to help me. and i'm unsure about the recovery time.
i have faith that all will be well, but i can still linger with these thoughts, right?
mike being a butt-hole aka teenager, donovan being, well, donovan, he's worried about who will take care of him and feed everyone while i'm laid up. nonaz being miss independent, i will potty train myself and i don't care if you are ready, here i go!
i love my kids they are great in all their wondorous, peculiar, idiosyncrasies.
that's why they are mine, i don't think anyone else could raise them. nor could i raise any other.
so here i am, doing the damn thing, but lost in thought as i go along. i only have a couple days left. then i'm out. for a bit anyway, hopefully.

sweet little girl

i am SO not ready for you to be taking such ginormous steps.
i guess i knew, there would come a day... i can't keep you a baby forever, though they do make adult size diapers.
fine. be that way. be potty trained. i'm just not used to it.
of course i'm happy, no more diapers. but that means you're a big girl now.
*sigh*
enjoy the pony panties.

surgery

i have opted for the surgery i was putting off. i might as well get it done and over with. the doctor performing the surgery is one of the best. he will actually perform 3 procedures at one time.
i will have help from friends and family, which was one of my main concerns and why i was hesitant to proceed. this could mean 1. a delay in orders 2. toenail staying in korea an additional 3 months 3.a possibility we may not go to japan and instead go to alaska.
i feel it is the right thing to do. so. screw it.
cross my fingers. hold my breath. dive in.
so here's some info....
procedure #1 balloon sinuplasty (on the frontal sinus) #2 endoscopic sinus surgery or sinoscopy (on the ethmoid/ maxillary region) #3 adenoidectomy (adenoids removed)















Balloon Sinuplasty™ technology is an endoscopic, catheter-based system for patients suffering from sinusitis. The FDA-cleared technology uses a small, flexible, sinus balloon catheter to open up blocked sinus passageways, restoring normal sinus drainage. When the sinus balloon is inflated, it gently restructures and widens the walls of the passageway while maintaining the integrity of the sinus lining.




















Endoscopic sinus surgery - also called endoscopy or sinoscopy - is a procedure used to remove blockages in the sinuses (the spaces filled with air in some of the bones of the skull). These blockages cause sinusitis, a condition in which the sinuses swell and become clogged, causing pain and impaired breathing. A thin, lighted instrument called an endoscope is inserted into the nose, and the doctor looks inside through an eyepiece. Much like a telescope with a wide-angle camera lens, the endoscope beams light into different parts of the nose and sinuses, allowing the doctor to see what is causing blockages. Surgical instruments can then be used along with the endoscope to remove the blockages and improve breathing.



















An adenoidectomy is the surgical removal of the adenoids—small lumps of tissue that lie in the back of the throat behind the nose.















so doesn't it all sound like so much fun?!?

i must suck

nona has decided to potty train herself. forget waiting for me to be ready.
she has gone to the potty by herself at least six times today. 4 times in the little potties and twice in the big potty.
i am not mentally ready for this. i DO want her out of diapers, make no mistake there, but i guess i wanted to do it on my terms. when my house is clean, and things are sorted and in order. not when i'm scatter brained. but nooooooooooooooooo, she wants to do it on her terms. her way. whatever.
i promise i'll be ready next week, or at least try to be ready by then.
i wanted to be able to dedicate more time to actually potty training.
i even caught her the other day sitting on the toilet backwards and peeing. can't tell she has 2 big brothers.
i'm not ready!!!!
go ahead, you might as well get some college apps. while your at it big girl.

kids say the darndest things

donovan - mom, why did heavenly father give me an ugly face?
mom - what?! who told you that?
donovan - he gave michael a good face but not me.
mom - you have a wonderful face. do you think mommy has an ugly face?
donovan - no.
mom - do you think daddy has an ugly face?
donovan - no.
mom - well, your face is mixed with mommy's and daddy's face. i think you have a great face.
where did you hear you have an ugly face?
donovan - i don't know.
mom - where?
donovan - michael says my face is ugly.
mom - that's cause michael needs to clean his glasses. (and get an earful from mom)
donovan - is michael's face ugly then?
mom - no, we are all beautiful.
donovan - okay.

also, earlier....
donovan - mom, why are you typing that thing again, your always typing now.
mom - just a second.
donovan - are you done yet. how much are you suppose to type?
mom - *laugh* okay i'm done.

more company

so i talked to toenail's brother michael today.
michael is currently stationed in kadena, where we will be soon, maybe. he is in nebraska for some training or something.
he wants to come and visit us for a bit maybe next month. we are excited we haven't seen him in 5-6 years. this seems to be the year for reunions for us, everyone and their grandmothers are visiting- literally.
so it should be, i haven't told toenail yet. so when i get to talk to him, hopefully soon. i can let him know what's up.
(random thought)
i don't have many friends, but the ones i do have are so frickn' awesome and i wouldn't trade them even for a free year of WoW, or better yet a lvl 80 death knight with uber legendary gear (not even out yet BTW), now that's valuable.

WTF

how the freak did i even keep this crap going this long?
UUUUUGGGGGGHHHHHHH
maybe it's all the adjustments to a new school year, but i don't know how much more i can handle.
i am stretched so far and worn so thin, i can feel the edge with my toes. the breaking point is so near and so close, yet i still haven't plummeted.
i'm trying with one thing at a time, but that doesn't seem to get me anywhere either.
can i just go, runaway...................please?

and so it begins

i am challenging myself to a healthier lifestyle.
it includes walking everyday and watching what i eat, i mean really watching, not just watching as i am shoveling garbage into my gob, but making sure that at least a large percentage of the food i eat my body will need and actually use.
i must start with baby steps of course, but it is a start.
and hopefully it will help me all around. perhaps help me deal with depression a lot better.

baby girl is starting a swim class too, that should be loads of fun.

soooo

let's say you have a neighbor and you know their family and occasionally you hang out and watch their kids, whatever.
one day their child of OHHHH, let's just say 2 yrs old. strolls on over to your house.
what is your first reaction??? hmmmmm.....?
let me bring the child in my back yard and hang out for about 5 to 7 mins. oh and let me be responsible and call the parent on their cell phone and leave a message, ok, that sounds good. while i hear the parent and another friend frantically calling the child's name. i'll just sit here on my effin' butt and wait for them to discover that i have the child. yeeeeessssss.
maybe it's just me, maybe i am expecting too much from people, but i think i am pretty resonable on most accounts. call me CRAZY and perhaps i'm just living in LA LA LAND to expect a person to bring a missing child over to the parent as soon as the child is discovered, I DON'T FRIGGIN' KNOW!! it's not like the child is a stranger to you and you don't know where the child lives or who the parents are................
i am grateful she's ok, don't get me wrong, things could have been worse i'm sure.
well, gotta catch the next bus back to LA LA LAND, it's the number 5, right.

it's so hard... (in a whiney teen voice)

yeah.
i really think that after you deliver your baby, then the placenta, next should come the owner's manual.
for real, cause each kid is different and we need some sort of instructions or something to go by. sure, sure that would take all the fun out of it.
okay, maybe a receipt, cause sometimes, ugh, sometimes i just want to return 'em.
and why do they have to turn into teenagers?! WHY?! they were fine before that.



any takers?? didn't think so.....
guess i'll keep him, i've had him this long......

Business as usual

Summer is OVER. Kids are back in school and everyone is adjusting.
Toenail's Mom left this morning, returning to Texas. Dondan had a rude awakening, he didn't realize she was leaving this morning. He was teary and kept rubbing his eyes, talking in a quiet voice. "Grandma's gone? I didn't give her hand kisses". (He wanted to kiss her palm and put it to her cheek and say, "now you can always feel how much I love you".)
Mike has joined football, we shall see how that goes. Nona has learned, "Mine"! as she clutches my water bottle in her arms. Yeah. fun.
I feel a mellifluous calm over me. weird. not sure how to be right now. but it's not a bad thing.
can't wait for Toenail to return. I guess i am feeling anxious knowing it's so close.

p.s. i don't really like caps. especially for my i.